Satisfaction Read online

  Not without Abbi.

  If only I could just forget her. At least my life might not be constant torture if I could forget how she looked when she smiled or how her eyes opened wide with excitement when I surprised her with something. Or how she made me feel when I held her in my arms and she told me she loved me.

  Who was I kidding? How does someone forget the best part of themselves? How can someone forget the only person in the world who brought light into the darkness that surrounded them?

  I was meant to hurt. This was my life. This had always been my life since the day I was born. I should have never believed I could have someone like Abbi.

  Every time I thought of her, all I saw was the sad look in her eyes when I told her to go away. That look haunted me day and night.

  I needed more fucking whisky.

  Crawling out to the couch, I pulled myself up and sat down as I grabbed the neck of the bottle that had helped me forget for a least a few hours. If only there was a way to drink enough to forget everything.

  I took a swig of whisky and let it sit in my mouth for a long moment before swallowing hard. I was little more than numb now from the neck down, but my fucking head didn’t seem to be affected. My mind raced with thoughts I just wanted to go away. If I could stop them, I might not wish for things I couldn’t have anymore.

  My phone vibrated across the table, and I looked down to see it was Cash calling. Fuck. He and Olivia were getting married sometime soon and I told him I’d be a groomsman.

  “What is it, Cash?” I asked in a low voice.

  “How’s it going, Kane?”

  I heard the fear in his voice. He didn’t want to hear how it was going for me any more than I wanted to talk about it.

  “What do you want, Cash?”

  “I was just calling to see how you were doing after everything.”

  Jesus Christ. After everything? This was the brother I was close to and even he couldn’t bring himself to say how fucked up things with me had gotten.

  “I’m fine. Just fucking fine.”

  The phone went silent for a long time and then he said, “Olivia and I are hoping you’ll still be at the wedding.”

  “I don’t know, Cash. You don’t want me to be there feeling like I am now. Maybe it would be better if I stayed away.”

  “Are you saying that because you think Abbi will be there?”

  I winced as the sound of her name hit my ear, my chest feeling like someone pushed that dull knife into it again. “I have to go.”

  “I don’t think she’ll be there, Kane. She’s out at the Anna Maria Island house and I don’t think she’s feeling up to a wedding.”

  I wanted to ask why, but that wouldn’t help anything. Instead, I just said, “I don’t want to ruin anything for you two. Olivia deserves better than that from me. You do too.”

  “Kane, it would mean a lot to us if you’d be there.”

  Closing my eyes, I took another drink of whisky. “Okay. I can’t do the bachelor party thing with Stefan and your friends, though.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you out at my mother’s house on Saturday at noon. The tux is waiting for you at the store.”

  Hanging my head, I muttered, “See you then.”

  “Kane, if you need anything, we’re here. Stefan and I and everyone else is here for you.”

  “Yeah. See you Saturday, Cash.”

  I knew I should have just thrown the fucking phone away from me, but I stopped to look at the screen and saw the messages that had come in since the last time I checked. Abbi’s messages. She sent them every day. Everything in my head screamed not to read them—to just let them sit there unread so I could pretend all that hurt and sadness she felt wasn’t waiting for me to see.

  But like some kind of fucking masochist desperate to feel pain, I opened the first one and read the words, my heart feeling like a fist was squeezing the life out of it.

  Please answer me. I know you’re scared. I am too. But I need you.

  A lump formed in my throat. “I need you too, angel.”

  I read each text, my heart breaking with each one, but nothing she could say would change my mind. She didn’t need me in her life. She needed a man who could make her life better. Not me. All I’d do is hurt her.

  Choking back my sadness, I read her last message of the day.

  I know you love me like I love you. I don’t know how you can do this and not hurt so much you want to die. Please come back to me. I need you now more than ever. We need you Kane.

  I knew exactly how she felt. Some nights as I lay there in the same spot where I’d held her in my arms that first night all I could think of was finding a way to end the pain. I didn’t know why I didn’t end it all. It’s not like I had anything to look forward to.

  No child needed a father like me. What if it was a little girl and in a fit of rage I hurt her? My hands curled into tight fists at the thought of me laying my hands on another human being. I hated what I was.

  A violent animal unable to control his rage.

  My child didn’t need me in his life. His life. What if the baby turned out to be male and had the same problems I had? Terror tore through my mind at the idea of my child being a monster like me, and I dug my fingernails into my palms until the pain made me wince.

  No. Abbi would be the kind of mother who’d make sure he wasn’t vicious. Her kind and gentle way would make the difference, as long as I wasn’t with them. At least then they’d have a chance at happiness.

  I downed another gulp of whisky and silently prayed it would be the one to make me black out. Something, anything to make my mind stop thinking about things I couldn’t change.

  *

  The Anna Maria Island house stood like some kind of fairytale castle in front of me, and as I stared up at the dark windows of Abbi’s room, I had to fight the urge to march right up there and take her in my arms. I knew I shouldn’t be there. Nothing good could come from me being where Abbi was.

  And yet there I remained, wishing I was anyone but the man I was so I could do exactly what she wanted. How wonderful it would feel to hold her in my arms again and tell her how much I loved her.

  But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was the reality I couldn’t bear forcing on her. She was better off without me.

  I leaned against my car and tilted my head back to look up at the stars. The night sky had never been clearer, and the millions of stars above me made me want to make a wish like I used to when I was a little boy. Back when I’d wish for my father to leave his family and come live with my mother and me.

  Wishes so desperate I couldn’t tell anyone but the night sky what I really wanted.

  On a whisper, I recited those words my mother had taught me. “Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.”

  Closing my eyes, I let myself want what I couldn’t have. Shouldn’t have. Abbi and me happily living in that little house of ours like I dreamed we could have before the truth of who I was had shown me that was impossible.

  Breakfasts in bed after I’d held her in my arms all night. Seeing the sunset as we sat on the front porch while the neighborhood kids played hide and seek. Sitting together on the couch like other married couples watching TV and loving every minute of domestic bliss.

  None of that could happen because none of that ever came true for someone like me. But it could for Abbi. Life didn’t have to be misery for her. Someday she’d find some nice guy with a nine-to-five job who would take care of her and give her the life she deserved.

  Jealousy pinched at my heart as I thought of her with anyone else. I hated the mere idea of her with another man. I wanted to scream into the night that she was mine. That I could take care of her and our child.

  But I knew that wasn’t true. I couldn’t give her what she should have. All my money would never be able to buy her the security she and a baby would need. All they’d get from me is the constant threat of what I might do if my de
mons took control of me.

  No sunsets. No sunny days at the beach or teaching our child how to ride a bicycle. None of that could happen because I couldn’t promise her I’d control the darker part of me that could ruin a life in seconds.

  That had ended two lives already.

  I longed to see her. I wanted to touch her long blond hair and twirl it around my finger as she rested her head on my chest. I wanted to never let her go.

  I knew I shouldn’t want things I couldn’t have, but something deep inside me urged me on to try, so I slowly walked up to the front porch, telling myself that if the door was open that meant I should go in. My hand shook as I reached for the doorknob, my heart leaping in my chest when I found it unlocked.

  I pushed the door and stepped inside, careful to be quiet since although Alexandria likely wasn’t there, the caretaker of the house certainly would be. Silently, I crept down the main hallway as I hoped each footstep wouldn’t hit a creaky floorboard and alert the house that I was there.

  At the stairs where Alexandria had told me for the first time ever that I wasn’t a mistake she hated, I waited for someone to stop me, clearing my throat as I silently made the deal with myself that if no one heard me I’d go up the stairs. I waited, but still no one came.

  With each stair I took, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I shouldn’t have been there. Nothing had changed. But there I was making my way to Abbi’s room. I had no right to be there. I had no right to see her.

  Yet I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to see her. Just for a moment.

  I slowly walked down the second floor hallway to where I knew she slept, a feeling of happiness coming over me that I hadn’t felt in so long. I stopped at the end of the hallway and looked in through the doorway at Abbi sleeping in her bed. She looked like an angel lying there, her blond hair spread out around her head on the pillow and a gentle look on her face.

  Knowing I shouldn’t, I walked up to the side of her bed and stood staring at her as tears filled my eyes. My mind told me to get out of there, but no other part of my body wanted to listen. My feet remained planted on the floor next to her bed, unwilling or unable to move like they’d been encased in concrete. My legs stayed still, as if to tell my brain that my heart was making the decisions now.

  I couldn’t stay there. I had to go. But all I wanted to do was climb into bed next to her, wrap my arms around her, and whisper in her ear, “I’m here, angel.”

  What would happen if I did stay? Maybe I could be what I needed to be for Abbi and the baby. She believed in me, so maybe I was the one who was wrong.

  I lifted my hand to touch her cheek, but a tiny voice in the back of my mind whispered, “You’ll only hurt her, Kane. She has a chance—a real chance—for a happy life. If you love her, let her have that chance and walk away.”

  Slowly, I pulled my hand back and winced as the truth reverberated in my head. I would only hurt her if I came back now.

  I loved her too much to let that happen. I knew my place in the world, and it couldn’t be by her side.

  Backing away, I took one last look at her as she slept so peacefully and hurried out before she saw me. I needed to get the hell out of there.

  By the time I reached my car, my mother’s words echoed in my ears over and over.

  You were meant to hurt, Kane. Never forget that.

  Chapter Four

  Stefan

  Three o’clock couldn’t come fast enough. All day I’d been dying to talk to Shay, and now that the club had closed, I had nothing to occupy my time until we could Skype. Cash was busy making last minute arrangements for the wedding that weekend, so I couldn’t bother him. And Kane? Talk about a fucking mess. Since he’d bailed on Abbi, all the guy did was sit around and get fucked up all day.

  Not that I’d suddenly become some kind of teetotaler or anything like that, but trying to talk to him in his current state was a waste of time. Just the other day, I’d called him to ask something about Cash’s wedding, and he’d barely been able to string together three fucking words before he fell apart and began rambling on about people needing to leave him alone and something about that being the way things were meant to be.

  I sat down on the couch and stared at the TV as I absentmindedly ran through the channels. Trashy talk shows, programs centered on groups of women talking about food, and endless even shittier shows than those popped up in front of me just long enough for me to press the up button on the remote.

  Fuck, I needed to find something to do now that the club was done.

  My laptop chimed to let me know Shay was calling, and I jogged over to the table to see her beautiful face staring back at me. Her green eyes looked at me full of love, and her gorgeous smile made me feel like no matter how bad my day had been, it would be better from that point on.

  “Hey baby! How’s my sexy scientist girlfriend?”

  “Hi baby! How are you doing today?”

  I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head. “Bored out of my mind. This guy needs to find something to keep him busy, or he’s going to get into mischief,” I joked, feeling better just hearing her voice.

  “Mischief, huh?”

  “I wish you were here, baby. We could spend all day in bed. That sounds much better than watching crappy daytime TV. I’m going crazy here. If I don’t find something to do soon, I’m going to go insane.”

  Shay frowned and looked away. “I’m sure you’ll find something to do to keep yourself busy, Stefan.”

  “Hey, what’s going on there? Tell me all about all the sciencey stuff you guys are up to.”

  Shaking her head, she forced a smile. “You’d just be bored.”

  “No, really, Shay. I like to hear what you’re doing in Copenhagen. How are your experiments turning out?”

  I really had no idea what, if any, experiments she and the rest of the people she worked with were doing, but I hadn’t lied. I liked it when she talked about her work. She got a look in her eyes when she spoke about science that made her even more beautiful than she normally was.

  “It’s pretty involved, so I don’t think we should waste time talking about it since we don’t have much time on these calls.”

  Her expression told me the truth of what she meant. I wouldn’t understand what she did at work every day, so why bother to try to explain it to me? Unlike all the people who surrounded her there, I was just some stupid guy she claimed to love but more and more didn’t look like she respected at all.

  “I get it. I’m not one of those eggheads you hang out with in the lab, so I’d never understand. Right?”

  “Not again, Stefan. Don’t do this tonight.”

  “Do what? Feel like shit because you obviously don’t think I’m smart enough to get what you’re doing with your life?”

  Her frown settled into her face even deeper now. “You know it’s not like that. Don’t say that. I’ve never made you feel like you couldn’t understand what I do.”

  “You just can’t be bothered to talk about it with me. Why? Because I don’t have a degree, so I must be a fucking idiot, right?”

  “I’m not having this discussion with you tonight, Stefan. I’m going to go, and hopefully when we talk next you won’t be like this.”

  “You mean stupid and uneducated?” I snapped, knowing I was only making this worse but not caring anymore.

  “Goodbye, Stefan.”

  Before I could say anything else, the screen turned to black and she was gone. Fuck! She was slipping away from me more and more every day, and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. If we weren’t fighting about how different we were, we were talking about my family’s problems. It seemed like it had been weeks since either one of us had said I love you.

  I knew what everyone thought of us together. She had brains and she was drop dead gorgeous, and all I had going for me were my looks and money. They thought someone like Shay deserved a brainiac guy with advanced degrees who wore glasses and a lab coat, not some reformed player who used to own the hott
est club in town and now spent his days watching crappy daytime TV while he waited for his intelligent girlfriend to finish her important scientific work to call him.

  We’d always been more than that, though, but it seemed like in the past couple weeks everything between us had begun to fall apart. Ever since the club closed, she’d seemed distant, like because I wasn’t an owner of Club X anymore, I wasn’t interesting to her now.

  I needed someone to help me before I lost her forever.

  Grabbing my phone, I called Cash. Even though I knew he probably couldn’t talk, maybe he could quickly give me some advice on what to do. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t ask him anything concerning how to keep a woman, but Shay wasn’t some girl I was fucking on the side. I needed the kind of help someone like Cash could offer now that he’d settled down with Olivia.

  “Stefan, what’s going on?” he hurriedly asked.

  “Not much. Just wondering how my big brother is doing today,” I said in my best casual voice.

  “Well, I have this wedding thing that’s going to happen in just a couple days, so I’m pretty much up to my neck in fucking madness. How are you doing?”

  “You know. Just sitting around bored out of my head. Did you know that virtually every channel has crap on it during the daytime?”

  Cash sighed. “No, I didn’t. As much as I’d like to stay on the phone and chat about the merits of daytime television, I really don’t have the time right now, Stefan. And on top of everything else Olivia and I are dealing with, I’m worried that Kane won’t be able to get himself out of his stupor to make it to the store to pick up his tux so he can be a groomsman.”

  “Yeah, well he’s a mess, so I wouldn’t count on him.”

  “If you have the time, can you go over to the club and see what you can do to help him? It means a lot to Olivia and me that he’s there for our big day.”

  “I don’t know, Cash. I’m not exactly his favorite person these days. He was pretty pissed when I brought Abbi over there.”