SILK Volume Three Page 5

  “I should have said that a long time ago. Thanks for not giving up on me.”

  “Me give up on my favorite author? Never. But even though I’ve said this before, I mean it. I hope I never have to do that again.”

  “Never again. I promise. This time was worse than any other time before. I can’t keep being that person anymore.”

  “You’ve got a lot to be thankful for, Ian. I hope you remember that the next time those demons make you think that horrible stuff will make you happy.”

  “I promise. No more.”

  Sheila looks genuinely thrilled to hear me swear I won’t go back to heroin again, but even more, I’m happy to say the words and truly mean them.

  I leave her in the back of the cab outside my building and see the doorman standing at the front door ready to greet me with a smile. “Mr. Anwell, it’s wonderful to see you.”

  “Thank you, Michael. It’s good to be home.”

  I called Kristina when we landed, but my call went directly to voicemail. The flight got in early, so I’m about an hour ahead of my scheduled time to get home. Once I get settled in, I’ll call her again because I’m dying to see her.

  Unlocking my apartment door, I smell her perfume as soon as I walk in. It’s been weeks and still she’s right there with me. I put my bag down and head toward the couch, needing to relax after the flight back. I take a deep breath, loving the scent of her and the memories it brings back, and close my eyes. Soon we’ll be back together again.

  A noise down the hall makes me sit up, but before I can move to check it out, I see her walk into my living room like an angel appearing just for me. As she walks toward me, I’m speechless at how happy I am to see her.

  Kristina looks down toward her hands as she fidgets with them. “I thought I’d surprise you and be waiting for you when you opened the door, but then you got back early and I didn’t want to frighten you.”

  “It’s okay. Come here. I missed you so much. I just want to feel you in my arms.”

  She steps forward, and I envelop her in a hug that I never want to end as she sobs, “Oh, Ian, you look so wonderful! Are you…better?”

  “I am,” I say, unable to keep the smile from my face as I look at her. “You’re such a sight for sore eyes. I’ve missed you, Kristina.”

  Leaning back, she cradles my face and stares into my eyes, as if trying to make up for all the lost time between us. “Every night I thought about you and how much I wished you were lying there next to me. I was so lonely without you.”

  “No more lonely nights. I promise. I’m done with all of it. I swear.”

  “I was so worried that you wouldn’t be able to forgive me for not being what you needed,” she says sadly. “I wanted to be, Ian. I did. I just wasn’t enough.”

  “This was never meant to be on your shoulders, Kristina. It was unfair of me to ask you to help me.”

  “But I wanted to! I did. I just wanted to be strong for you, but I wasn’t enough.”

  I shake my head and pull her close. “No more about not being enough. You’re always just what I need, and you did for me what I couldn’t do. You saw what I wouldn’t. Without you, I don’t know what would have happened, so no more about not being enough.”

  Quietly, we stand there in each other’s arms and together find again what has always been so much a part of us. With each minute that passes, the passion and need we brought out in one another returns, and as I look down into those beautiful blue eyes, I know I’m home.

  “Tonight, I’m going to begin making up for all the lost time. I’m going to worship you like you deserve, showing you how much I adore you, Kristina, and when I’m done, I’m going to start all over again so I can be sure you know I love you.”

  “I love the way you always know the perfect words to say. From the first moment we met, I’ve loved that. And I love you, Ian, with all my heart. I swear I do.”

  There in her eyes I see that same look I saw the night I went with that woman. Fear and insecurity stare back at me. But she doesn’t have to worry. There is no one and nothing else I love more, and tonight I’ll show her that.

  Dipping my head, I nuzzle the tender skin under her left ear and whisper, “I could use a long shower. Let’s get this reunion started off fresh and clean.”

  She smiles and I take her by the hand to lead her to the bathroom where I watched her scrub away the last remnants of my demons. She gently squeezes my hand as we walk into the room, a sign she hasn’t forgotten that awful day, but I want her to see that man is no more and the Ian who stands before her is the man she fell in love with.

  “It’s okay. Trust me?”

  Her cornflower blue eyes grow wide for a moment and she nods, giving me a tiny smile I know masks her uncertainty. “I do trust you, Ian. I just…this room only makes me think of that day.”

  As I slide her dress down her body, I kiss the soft skin of her shoulders and assure her I intend to change her mind about this place. “I promise after tonight this room will only have the sweetest, most exquisite memories for you.”

  Her dress pools at her feet, leaving her standing in just black stiletto leather boots and a garter belt. God, she knows how to make me want her!

  “I wanted to dress like I did that first night. You like?” she asks with a sparkle in her eyes.

  Pulling her into my arms, I slide my hands down her back to cup her ass. “I definitely like. You look sexier than I even remembered.”

  “I think you’re overdressed then.” She fumbles with the button on my pants, finally getting it unbuttoned so she can reach in and wrap her hand around my rapidly hardening cock. “We better get you out of these clothes so I’m not the only one ready for a night of hot sex.”

  “Hot isn’t the word for it. Try scorching.”

  The feel of her palm sliding up my cock is better than anything I can imagine at that moment. It’s been so long since anyone but me has touched any part of my body that I worry I might not last long the first time. I take a sharp breath in when she reaches the head, sure a minute more of this sweet torture will be the end of me.

  I rip off my shirt and pants, throwing them off to the side, before I lift Kristina so her pussy is the perfect angle for me to thrust my cock in and bury myself in her. She’s warm and wet and I enter her with one hard thrust.

  “I’ve waited so fucking long to feel this,” I groan as she rolls her hips back and forth, nearly making the top of my head blow off.

  Kristina wraps her arms around my neck, and in a voice sexier than I’ve ever heard from her, whispers in my ear, “Fuck me. Fuck me hard and make me forget everything but your cock.”

  There isn’t anything else in the world I’d rather do than give her just that, so I walk us over to the wall and plant my hands against the cool tile. I kiss her with all the love I have and say, “Hang on and don’t let go until I make you come so fucking hard you can’t take it anymore.”

  I feel her fingers thread together behind my neck, and I pull my hips back so only the tip of my cock remains inside her. She stares at me waiting for me to begin fucking her in earnest and smiles as she says, “Fuck me. Please…”

  Ramming my cock into her, I do just that and fuck her harder than ever before. I don’t last long the first time, but I don’t stop. My cum only makes her cunt slicker, and I love the feel of my cock gliding over her wet skin as I bury myself in her. Each thrust elicits a gentle moan from her that only spurs me on, and by the time it’s time for her to come, I’m nearly there for my second release.

  Kristina bucks against me, her hips and mine crashing into each other as she rides me to that orgasm I need to give her. Her mouth devours mine with kisses that nearly take my breath away and my legs feel like they’re going to give out, but I can’t stop until I give her what she wants.

  “Ian,” she pants softly in my ear, “I’m so close. Give me what I need.”

  Her cunt begins to gently squeeze my cock and I know she’s close. Just one more pump into her and s
he’ll come apart all over me. Rearing back, I thrust once more and bury myself balls deep into her, and that’s all it takes.

  Every inch of her body tenses, and she drags her nails across my back, clawing as her orgasm rips through her. She’s raw and sensual and more beautiful than she’s ever been to me in that moment when her body finally surrenders to me again. I continue fucking her to my own release as she whimpers in my ear, “I love you, Ian. More than you know.”

  I stand there holding her to me, each of us panting after our lovemaking. It’s been months since we’ve truly been with one another, and I don’t want this to end. Not the sex but the closeness I’ve missed between us.

  “That was incredible,” she says, sweetly smiling at me. “It reminded me of the first time we were together.”

  “Then we can think of this as our second first time together,” I suggest as I place a kiss on the tip of her nose.

  “I like that. And I like this room again.”

  Pressing my forehead to hers, I close my eyes and tell her what I’ve waited all those weeks to say. “I’m sorry I ever hurt you, Kristina. I was selfish. I know what losing you feels like now, and I never want to feel that pain again. No drug, no anything in this world makes me feel as wonderful as you do.”

  She smiles, and in that moment, I’m happier than I thought I ever could be.

  Opening my eyes, I feel Ian’s chest beneath my cheek and feel safe. That being with him could bring out a feeling of security after all we’d been through with his drug addiction seems odd, but it’s as if our relationship has weathered a trial by fire of sorts and we’ve come out even stronger on the other side.

  I look up and see him still sleeping peacefully, his long, dark lashes resting against his skin, hiding those dark eyes so full of passion all the time. When I arrived here yesterday to surprise him when he returned, I hadn’t been sure what he’d be like after all those weeks in rehab. The last I’d seen of him had devastated me—those beautiful eyes of his filled with tears as he accepted his defeat to that awful drug and that he’d have to leave me to try to be the man he wanted to be again.

  But it only took a moment for me to see that the man who’d returned to me was the Ian I’d fallen madly and passionately in love with, and if there had been any doubt, our lovemaking a short time later erased any fears I’d had about us.

  Ian stirs and his hand lands gently on the back of my head as I think all of this, and now all I feel is remorse at the doubt I’d harbored. If only I could have been as sure as he was all those weeks he was away…

  I never meant for anything to happen. All Vancouver was supposed to be was work, but when he went to rehab and I returned to the set, I couldn’t get the sight of him hitting rock bottom out of my mind. It haunted me day and night, and before long, everyone around me could tell something had happened while I was back in New York and not the flu my agent had claimed.

  The sadness I felt inside showed in everything I did, and in that weakness I let someone in to make it go away for even a little while. All I’d wanted was someone to talk to, a friend to listen as I talked about how devastated seeing Ian like that had been for me. But when I tried to talk about how I felt, I couldn’t because of the promise I’d made him to keep our relationship a secret.

  So the sadness remained without my being able to express why I felt so unhappy all the time. I could act like I was happy on set, but as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, it was too much to bear and someone recognized that.

  I never meant for anything to happen. One day Gavin was making jokes between scenes, and I smiled for the first time in days. One smile but it felt so good to be happy again. Then the next day he brought me coffee with a smiley face drawn on the cup and the words “Let’s make it a great day!” written down the side. I didn’t think anything of it.

  And then he asked me if I’d like to grab a bite to eat and one drink led to another and before I knew it, I was naked in his arms back at his hotel room having sex with my co-star. It wasn’t meaningful or even very good sex. It was just one sad and vulnerable person looking for comfort where she shouldn’t have.

  Ian moves his arm to tighten his hold on me and mumbles, “You up?”

  Forcing a smile, I look up and see him gazing down at me with that look of love that used to make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Now it just makes me feel guilty as hell.

  “Yeah. Want me to make some coffee?” I ask as I roll off him, eager to get away and hopefully lessen how bad I feel at this moment.

  He grabs my hand before I can get far and tugs me back onto the bed next to him. “What’s the hurry? We have all day, don’t we?”

  I have nowhere I really need to be. He knows that. Shooting is over, so I don’t have to return to Vancouver, thankfully, and I’ve cleared the next few days to be with him. The problem is that every minute I’m with him I feel guiltier than the last.

  “We do, but I thought you’d like to get back to writing. If I remember correctly, you said you wanted to write a sequel to Silk, didn’t you?”

  Just saying that makes me feel so fucking shitty. Now I’m using something that means so much to both of us as a reason to leave him because I’m wracked with guilt.

  Ian gives me a sexy grin and runs his hands down my back to playfully squeeze my ass. “I do want to write that, but I think I need more research.”

  When he’s sweet like this, all I want to do is stay here in his arms and forget the rest of the world exists outside of his bedroom. I want all the bad things we’ve done to each other to disappear so we can be happy forever right here in this bed.

  As we make love, he’s tender but powerful, exactly what I fell in love with all those months ago. His mouth excites me like no other man’s can, and still only his cock makes me come. Each time he thrusts his body into mine, I love the feelings only he can bring out in me.

  Yet still I can’t forget what I’ve done. I live in terror that he’s going to find out, and I’ll lose the man I love over a couple nights of mediocre sex in a few moments of weakness.

  As I stand at his kitchen counter drinking morning coffee and watching him search through his laptop for what he began writing before he left, all I can think of is getting out of this apartment. I don’t want to leave him now, but I worry the guilt is written all over my face. I need to contact Gavin and make sure he doesn’t say anything to anyone about what happened between us. Maybe if he doesn’t, I’ll be able to find a way to live with what I did.

  “My agent messaged me that she wants to meet with me ASAP,” I lie.

  Looking up from his computer, Ian smiles. “I guess I’ll have no reason now not to get back to work, huh? Will you be back for dinner? I’m thinking I should make that risotto that you loved again.”

  Oh, God. How could I have cheated on someone so incredible? What the hell is wrong with me? The man was in rehab after going back to drugs because I broke his heart and my way of dealing with my sadness and loneliness while he was trying to straighten out his life was to sleep with another man?

  “Okay. I’ll be back for around five. Sound good? You should be able to get a lot written in that time.”

  Again, I use our book as manipulation. I’m such an awful person. When he leaves me, I won’t even have the right to want him back after being such a rotten fucking woman.

  Ian turns from his laptop and wraps his arms around my waist. Kissing me sweetly, he cradles my face and says, “I’m calling it Silk and Steel, and I have great news. While I was gone, Silk has continued selling well after hitting the bestseller lists and I’ve had a few agents contact T. Anderson about the rights.”

  “You’d leave Sheila after all she’s done for you?”

  “She doesn’t represent this genre. I guess it seems pretty rotten of me not to go with her, but really, she doesn’t do romance and erotica.”

  I look at his gorgeous face and can’t help but get lost in those dark eyes of his. “Rotten? I don’t think you’re rotten. Ever.”


  He pulls me to him, whispering, “Thank you for forgiving me, Kristina. I know it wasn’t easy to be around me while I was fucked up. Thank you for not leaving me.”

  Oh, Jesus! I’m going to die from the guilt if he keeps talking like this. I have to leave before he sees something’s wrong, so I kiss him and force another smile. “Five o’clock, right? I’m looking forward to that risotto.”

  As he walks me to the front door, he says in a sexy voice, “And that will only be the beginning of our night. Drink lots of coffee today because I plan on keeping you up into the early morning hours.”

  I roll my eyes and smile even though I feel like a completely horrible person. “You’re going to spoil me.”

  “Good. You deserve it. Now go so I can get to writing our story. I love you.”

  Even as I tell him I love him, I know it’s just a matter of time before he finds out what I’ve done. God, what am I going to do?

  I call Sienna as soon as I hit the sidewalk outside Ian’s building and pray she can help me figure out how to fix what I’ve done before he finds out and I lose the best thing in my life. She’ll have some idea what I can do.

  “Kristina! Tell me you’re in New York!” she says excitedly into the phone.

  “I am. Are you?”

  “Yes! We have to get together. What are you doing now?”

  “I’m calling you to save my life. I need your help, Sienna. I’ve made a horrible mistake, and I need you to help me fix it.”

  “You made a horrible mistake? I think you’ve made like a handful in your life, so I doubt this is that bad. I think that café you and I like is open, so meet me there in twenty and we’ll solve your life crisis over some lunch and I can tell you about my new man.”

  “A new one or the one you were spending all your time in bed with the last time I talked to you?” I ask as I hail a cab.