If We Fall Read online

  “I knew you’d be a natural at it,” I said as he bent his head to place a kiss on Cayden’s cheek. “You’re just what our son needs. I hope you know that.”

  When he looked at me, I knew he didn’t know that at all. “I just want to be someone he can be proud of. Someone you’re proud of. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of, Serena. I never want to look into his eyes as he asks me why I did them because I don’t think I could handle admitting the truth.”

  I hated seeing the man I loved like this. What he’d done tortured him. He didn’t sleep like he should because he was up tossing and turning every night at the regret he felt. And more often than not, the only solace he found was in a bottle of whisky. Nothing I could say seemed to affect him.

  “You did what you had to so you could survive. So you could protect his mother. I know how much you hate the things you’ve done, but our son’s birth gives us a fresh start. Take it. I am. I see his birth as the day I begin my life over. I’m not someone’s daughter now. I’m Cayden’s mother. Let it do the same for you. You’re not my father’s employee or the one he uses to exact his revenge. You’re Cayden’s father, and that’s more important than anything you’ve ever done before this moment.”

  He smiled, but I knew his torment remained, even if on the outside he looked happy. I hated my father for what he’d done to Ryder. He’d set out to tear us apart, and when he couldn’t do that, he did all he could to break him.

  But Ryder was too strong for him. He wouldn’t become the monster my father wanted him to be, even though on the inside, he lived with those regrets, and nothing could change that.

  Things were different now. Bringing a life into the world did that, and as I watched him with our baby, I believed he would someday put all that ugliness my father had forced on him behind him.

  We’d be happy just like we always dreamed we would. I had to keep believing that one day we’d be free of Robert Erickson’s world and everything it forced us to do.

  Ryder handed Cayden to me and sat down on the bed beside me. Putting his arm around the two of us, he whispered, “I just told him how incredible his mother is. I think he understood because he looked at me like he knew what I was talking about.”

  I turned to look into his green eyes that had enchanted me from the first moment I gazed into them and smiled. “Well, his father is pretty incredible too, and I’m going to make sure he knows that.”

  “While I was walking with him, I was thinking about how this all started between you and me. How I’d see you staring at me around corners, looking at me with those big brown eyes like I was something you couldn’t figure out but wanted to. I never told you this, but from that first night, I couldn’t stop thinking about you because of how disappointed you looked when you met me.”

  “I wasn’t disappointed because it was you. I just had hoped my father would have found my mother that night. Please don’t think it was because of you that I looked that way.”

  Ryder shook his head and smiled. “I don’t. But I couldn’t forget how unhappy you looked that night. I didn’t even know you, but it bothered me to think you were sad about something, even though I knew had nothing to do with me.”

  “That’s because you’re kind. You don’t think you are because you’ve had to be so brutal for so long, but I saw it in your eyes the first time I went to your room.”

  “Only with you. The rest of the world sees only the hardness, but I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks of me. All I care is what you and our son think.”

  His voice cracked as he said those words. I didn’t care what the rest of the world thought of Ryder either. They could think whatever they want. That he was a barbaric fighter. That he was a dangerous thug.

  That he was that junkyard dog my father wanted to think he was.

  None of these things were who he was. They were who he had to be to survive, first as a teenager thrown into The Pit by his uncle and then as a man forced to be one of my father’s men. He’d done what he’d had to do. Anyone would in his situation.

  But I knew the man he truly was. The protector. The savior who brought me back from death and each time made me see that I had something to live for.

  Cradling his face in my palm, I felt the stubble on his jaw pricking my skin. “You’re a good man, Ryder. Someday when all of this is over and we aren’t fighting to survive in this world of my father’s, you’ll have the chance to be that man all the time. Until then, you’re the reason I’m alive and our son exists. There’s no more good in the world than that to me.”

  Ryder rested his head on my shoulder and sighed. “I can’t wait for that day. I hope Cayden isn’t too old by that time and hasn’t seen what goes on in your father’s world by then.”

  I looked down at the baby and felt completely content surrounded by the men in my life I loved more than anything else in the world. But I wasn’t ruling out adding to our family sometime in the future.

  “Maybe he’ll have a baby sister or brother by that time too,” I said quietly, unsure of Ryder’s feelings on the idea.

  I wouldn’t blame him if he hadn’t thought that far into the future, but having Cayden had ignited something inside me, and I loved the idea of us having a big family someday.

  “A baby sister or brother? You just gave birth, Serena.”

  Turning to face him, I searched his face for disapproval at my suggestion, but I didn’t find any. Just surprise.

  “I know, but it wasn’t too bad and we have this wonderful little boy now, so I just thought maybe when we get the hang of what to do with him, we might want to have another. Or a few more others,” I said tentatively, hoping not to scare him half to death.

  A sly smile spread across his lips, and he got that sexy look in his eyes I always loved. “A few more, huh? I guess I don’t have a choice. If that’s what will make you happy, we’re just going to make more just like him.”

  I kissed him softly on the lips and pressed my forehead to his. “There are definitely worse things in life than what we have to do to make children, right?”

  “Definitely. I can think of a million things worse than having to make love to the woman I adore,” he said playfully.

  “Do you really adore me?” I asked, suddenly needing reassurance about how he felt about me.

  Ryder leaned back away from me and knitted his brow, like my question upset him. He cradled my face in his hands and stared deep into my eyes as if what he needed to say were the most important words he’d ever utter.

  “I didn’t mean to question—”

  “You’re everything to me, Serena. You have been since the moment I realized I loved you. I wouldn’t want to go on living if I didn’t have you by my side. You’re the reason I wake up in the morning and want to go on after everything I’ve done. You make me believe I can be a better man than I have been. You’ve given me the greatest gift anyone could ever hope for.”

  I smiled and looked down at our son sleeping in my arms. “A son?”

  Ryder shook his head. “No. I’m not your father, Serena. I never needed a son. And I love him as much as I love you, but the gift you’ve given me is your love. You showed me love that I hadn’t felt since my parents died, and you have no idea what that meant to me. Your love is the greatest gift I could ever hope for.”

  “I didn’t have a choice,” I whispered against his lips before kissing him. “I would have had to be crazy not to fall in love with you.”

  He kissed me and then leaned down to kiss Cayden, and for at least a little while, we were the happiest parents in the world. As long as we were away from my father’s world full of ugliness and uncertainty, we could enjoy the love we shared for each other and our son.

  But I knew that might be short-lived because when we returned to the estate, once again all that my father forced on everyone around him would threaten the very happiness we enjoyed. I couldn’t let that happen again, though.

  We had too much to lose now.

>   Chapter Three

  Ryder

  Even though I would have preferred to stay at the hospital with Serena and Cayden, I headed back to the estate to clean up since I smelled like a combination of day old sweat and the sickly odor of my dressing needing to be changed on my shoulder. Dread filled me as I drove through the front gates, making my stomach twist into knots because no matter how Robert acted at the hospital, the truth was he had sent Jesse to kill Alita.

  And my stopping Jesse made me a problem he’d deal with. Sooner or later.

  I snuck around the main house and up the stairs into the apartment, happy to avoid dealing with any of Robert or his men today. All I wanted to do was clean up and return to my family waiting for me in that hospital room. I didn’t need some confrontation with him that couldn’t end well.

  What he’d ordered Jesse to do sat like an elephant between us, but neither of us had mentioned a word about it at the hospital. I didn’t know how to express my hatred for what he’d tried to do to Alita or how he knew killing her would crush Serena but ordered it anyway. I’d expected to see some rage from him when he first saw me that day, but he’d pushed that down inside for another time, no doubt.

  Robert never let his disappointment stay a secret for very long, though.

  I expected to suffer the consequences of my actions at any moment, so my guard was up as I walked back to the car to return to the hospital. I didn’t know when or how, but I knew he’d make me pay for disobeying him.

  Just as I reached the bottom of the stairs outside the apartment, I heard a deep voice behind me say, “Mr. Erickson needs to speak to you.”

  I didn’t recognize it, and when I turned around, I saw a stranger standing just outside the door leading to the main house. He wore a black suit like all of Robert’s men did, and the telltale bulge under his jacket told me he was armed. Younger than me, he had a hard look to him and I wondered where Robert had found this one. Had he brought him from the fight circuit like he did with me? The way the guy stood made me think he’d fought somewhere before.

  “Tell him I’ll talk to him when I come home from the hospital.”

  The man took two steps toward me and reached into his jacket to give me the sign that my answer wasn’t the one he’d wanted to hear. Scowling, he shook his head. “He needs to speak to you now.”

  The bullet hole in my shoulder made me want to avoid getting into another gunfight with one of Robert’s men, even if I thought I could probably wound this new guy and put him in his place. I might not have been the golden boy anymore, but I wasn’t just another of his men either.

  Turning around, I walked toward him and stopped just before I passed by. I looked him straight in the eyes and smiled. “Somebody needs to give you a rundown of who’s who around here. You obviously know my name, but you don’t know who I am. I suggest you find out fast before you get hurt.”

  He turned to look at me, stunned for a moment by my implicit threat, and then narrowed his eyes to slits. “I know who you are. I’ve heard all about you.”

  “Then be careful with how you talk to me.”

  I didn’t bother to wait for him to reply since I didn’t give a fuck what he thought and walked into the main house to answer Robert’s summons. While I didn’t appreciate his man’s attitude, I hated that Robert still thought he could just demand to speak to me or Serena any damn time he wanted to and we were expected to come running.

  By the time I reached his office, I was seething and in no mood to deal with the inevitable discussion about what had happened out at Alita’s house. But better to get it out of the way once and for all. I just hoped he didn’t plan on beating the hell out of me again because my injured shoulder wasn’t going to be able to handle that kind of attack for a while.

  I stopped outside the door just as I had after he’d had his guys beat me senseless and waited to be told I could come in because no matter what he seemed like at the hospital, Robert didn’t forgive betrayals and once again, I’d gone against his wishes.

  Now it was just a matter of the punishment.

  Unlike before, I didn’t fear what he’d do to Serena. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt different now, like her giving birth to a son had improved her standing in his eyes. That even someone barely educated like me knew she wasn’t responsible for that didn’t matter. He just seemed to look at her differently now.

  She’d accomplished something he thought of as worthy, so he finally saw her as worthy.

  And while I didn’t like the way he looked at my son like he had great plans for him, I didn’t think Robert was the type of man to hurt a newborn. No, the one who would pay for this newest betrayal would be me.

  I knocked softly on the doorframe, and he looked over at me wearing one of those crocodile grins that still terrified me because I knew what they meant. Someone was going to be in a world of hurt soon, if his past behavior was any indication. Probably me.

  “Ryder, please come in. No need to knock. This is your home. You’re always welcome here.”

  Said the spider to the fly.

  His smile and the tone of his words didn’t match one another—a sure sign of a psychopath—but I braced myself for whatever might come next and stepped into his office. Two men around my size stood at their posts in front of the bookcase and another stood at the back of the room near the windows. None of them appeared to even care that I’d come in, so I relaxed a little and turned my focus to Robert sitting behind his desk.

  “Your overeager new guy tells me you want to see me,” I said with probably too much cockiness for my own good.

  Behind me, I heard the man come into the room and stop at the door to take his position where I used to. I turned to throw him a glance to let him know I still didn’t appreciate the way he’d talked to me outside and then looked back at Robert.

  “So are we going to do this or not? I figure this time you might not stop at just a beating, but it seems shitty to take a newborn baby’s father from him not two days into his life.”

  No matter how much bravado I stuffed into each word, inside I worried that Robert planned to do just that—take me from Serena and Cayden, and not just by sending me somewhere far away. That crocodile smile he wore even now made me think these might be the last breaths I’d ever take.

  But if I was going out of this world, I planned to fight like hell before it happened. I had too much to lose now.

  He stood from behind his desk, and I reached for my gun, knowing the four men surrounding me did the same. I didn’t care that the odds were against me. If I could get off one good shot, at least Serena and Cayden wouldn’t have to live under Robert’s rule another day of their lives. My life for that was a trade I could accept.

  Robert raised his hands as that smile slid from his face. “There is no need for guns, gentleman. Ryder, you’re among family here.”

  I’d seen what his version of family meant. That’s why I carried a gun.

  He offered me a seat in front of him in one of those red leather chairs. “Please, sit down. This is a happy day for both of us.”

  Looking around, I saw the four men had returned to their jobs and weren’t paying attention to us anymore. “A happy day? Are we talking about my son’s birth or something else?”

  “Sit, Ryder. Please.”

  I slowly lowered myself into the chair closer to the door and tried to look relaxed, but Robert’s strangely happy mood confused me. I’d disobeyed him and betrayed him. There was no reason to believe he wouldn’t exact his retribution for that.

  The only question was when.

  “How’s that shoulder feeling?” he asked, smirking like he’d said something amusing.

  At the moment, it felt like shit, but I didn’t want to tell him that. Lifting my head, I braced myself for the pain and shrugged as if I wasn’t recovering from a bullet entering my body.

  “It’s fine. Nothing that won’t heal.”

  He gave me another smirk and moved on with the reason he’
d summoned me. “I wanted to tell you how proud I am of both you and Serena. Cayden is a very lucky boy.”

  Robert nodded, like he wanted me to truly believe he felt that way. I didn’t care what he felt about my family. All I wanted was for him to keep as far away from them as possible.

  “Yes, my son is a very lucky boy. Is that what you wanted me to come here to talk about?”

  “No. I wanted to inform you that you’ve been promoted.”

  I stared across the desk at him in shock. “Promoted? What does that mean?” I asked as the possibilities of what he could mean tore through my brain.

  To Robert, promoted likely meant something entirely different from what it meant to me. Tyrants often defined things very differently from the rest of the world.

  “I’m making you head of security for the estate. You’ll be over Johnson. Brace yourself for days filled with fishing stories,” he said with a chuckle that didn’t sound maniacal in the least.

  Stunned, I tried to speak but nothing came out. Promoted to head of security? He wasn’t going to punish me for not letting Jesse kill Alita? I couldn’t believe it.

  “So now I get something for betraying you? Best not to let these guys know about that. It’s going to make keeping them in line hard.”

  Robert’s eyes opened wide as a look of rage transformed his face into an ugly grimace, and he quickly waved the men out of the room. “Leave us alone. Wait for me to call you back in,” he said gruffly.

  They filed out without saying a word, leaving just the two of us sitting there like we had so many times before. But now something had changed between us.

  He leaned forward toward me, steepling his fingers in front of his face and staring over them at me. “You’re full of surprises, son. I can’t help but like that trait in you. Just when I think you’re down for the count, you rise up like a phoenix. I’m convinced fate loves you, son.”